DOS Beer

Requires you to use your own can opener and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be consumed separately. Although soon to be discontinued, a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer

At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call the brewery to ask about the ingredients, you are told that you don't need to know. A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.

Windows 3.1 Beer

The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly. It is especially slow if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up first. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer

No one drinks it much yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like the Windows 3.1 Beer can, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX Beer

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. AmigaDOS Beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

MS-DOS Airline

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides. Then they hang on while the plane coasts until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, hang on again, and so on.

Macintosh Airline

All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you, so just shut up.

Windows Airline

The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a completely uneventful takeoff. Once in the air, 1 out of 150 planes blow up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Airline

Everyone marches out onto the runway, says the password in unison, and forms the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they are flying.

Unix Airline

Everyone brings a piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.

- UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

- Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

- Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

- OSX Air:
You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says "Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture", at which point a camera in the wall you didn't notice before takes your picture. "Thank you, here is your ticket" You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself "wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing".

- Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?".

In a book on American innovation, author Sir Harold Evans wrote that DOS inventor Tim Paterson relied heavily on an existing OS called CP/M (Control Program/Monitor) created by a programmer who has since died. Microsoft in 1980 struck a licensing deal with Paterson's company -- Seattle Computer Products -- to obtain access to DOS and resell it to IBM.

DOS in its various incarnations, including MS-DOS and PC-DOS, ultimately netted Microsoft billions in sales and paved the way for the Windows operating system.

In his book "They Made America", Evans writes that Paterson, in developing DOS, took "a ride on" CP/M, which was created by the late Gary Kildall. Evans also wrote that Paterson's DOS operating system appropriated the "look and feel" of CP/M, copied its user interface, and "ripped-off" CP/M.

Paterson sued Evans -- the husband of former New Yorker editor Tina Brown and a fixture in British literary circles -- after the book was published in 2004. The suit, which sought unspecified damages, also named publishers Little, Brown and Co. and Time Warner Book Group.

In dismissing the lawsuit in a 34-page ruling handed down last week, U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Zilly noted that DOS' true lineage already has been widely questioned in the computer industry. "Even before IBM unveiled the IBM Personal Computer, the industry began to note similarities between DOS and CP/M," Zilly wrote.

Zilly further remarked that, "In the years that followed ... commentary on Paterson's DOS would become increasingly critical, with regard to its similarities to CP/M."

As a result, Zilly ruled that Evans' characterization of DOS as a "rip off" of CP/M is legally protected opinion under the First Amendment, in part because it's based on some facts not generally in dispute. Ultimately, Zilly said that "Tim Paterson has failed to provide any evidence that statements in Sir Harold Evans' chapter on Gary Kildall are provably false or defamatory."

Zilly also ruled that Paterson is a public figure for the purpose of cases related to the computer industry, meaning he faces a higher evidentiary threshold for proving defamation.

Paterson, who now operates Seattle-based hardware and software developer Paterson Technology, said in an e-mail Monday to InformationWeek that he was "disappointed" in Zilly's decision.

The public figure ruling "turns attacks on my personal integrity into protected free speech," he wrote.

Paterson added that he has made a number of suggestions to Evans for revisions to the book. "If he was honest with me about setting the record straight, he has a chance to prove it in the next printing," Paterson said in his e-mail. "That's all I ever wanted."

Paul McDougall
(v.Information Week July 31, 2007).

This is one of the funniest, best posts I've read in a long time. Randy Jensen wrote it back in 2007, but it just popped up on Digg today. I had never read it. It's hilarious.

Jensen compares different operating systems to types of houses, and comes up with some gems like this:

Windows is the government housing. The houses are built quickly, cheaply and go up anywhere and everywhere. Unfortunately since they were all built so cheaply, you end up spending twice as much later to keep the place standing.

And this:

Linux is the carpenter/designer's dream house. The foundation is rock solid and is inspected every year by thousands of the best carpenters all over the world. The house is everything you want, if you know what you're doing. It's all there for you. The doors, windows, walls and roof. You 'get' to assemble it yourself any way you like...

Everyone on the block is envious and wants to know how you bought such a beautiful house so cheaply. After you explain to them that you built it yourself, they leave in disgust and never talk to you again because you're one of "them".

As for the Mac? "The floors are so clean there is a mirror reflection of every item in the house and the lights are positioned perfectly to make everything look just perfect...just the way the owner wanted it, so don't touch!" Classic.

Matt Asay
(v.c|net News.com July 15, 2008).