Rodney Dangerfield's best one-liners
- I was so poor growing up... If I wasn't born a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
- During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.
- One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy,
"Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
- Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... I'm very sorry... We did everything we could... But he pulled through.
- I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman, asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..."Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid... there are so many places they can hide."
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
- My wife's cooking is so bad... the flies all pitched in to fix the hole in the screen door.
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