Living in Mexico (or actually Mexico City)

You know you're living en Mexico (or actually Mexico City) when:
  1. A wedding is at 8:00 PM, you get there at 10:00 PM and nobody has arrived yet.
  2. You will often have lunch and dinner at the same restaurant on the same day... without actually leaving.
  3. You believe a shot of tequila cures everything.
  4. You have more prescription drugs at your toiletry bag than Eckerd does and you don't have an actual prescription for a single one.
  5. You bring along small cans of chiles when travelling to Europe.
  6. Leaving the office at 5:00 PM means working "half day".
  7. Returning to the office after "la comida" on Friday means you're a "pinchi gato".
  8. You blame the traffic on the rich.
  9. You blame the crime on the poor.
  10. You blame the PRI for almost everything else.
  11. You blame the "pinches gringos" for whatever's left.
  12. The word "puente" means five day weekend.
  13. You enjoy drinking beer with lime, salt, ice, tabasco sauce and still think it's the orange juice in the morning that gives you heartburn.
  14. "Licenciado" is a first name.
  15. If you order the tacos and your friend orders the enchiladas, you're positive the waiter will get it backwards.
  16. You go "pssssst" to catch a waiter's attention... in New York City.
  17. You refer to "@" as "arroba" but have not clue what it means.
  18. You use the word "este" as a conversatinal filter... in english.
  19. You say "bueno" when answering a telephone... in english.
  20. You say "mande" when someone calls you... in english.
  21. You keep on addressing good friends as barn yard animals. "Buey" & "cabrón" are the animals most often employed.
  22. You refer to a salesman as "maestro"... at Saks Fifth Avenue.
  23. You eat tacos, enchiladas, sopes, morcilla, moronga, and médula, but believe hamburgers are unhealthful.
  24. When someone tells you "I'll call you", you assume that he won't.
  25. You know "a ver cuándo nos vemos" actually means "I really don't care if I don't see you anytime soon".
  26. "Tomorrow" means "not right now", "never", or "screw you".
  27. Calling in sick on Monday is proper behavior.
  28. You keep a 20 dollars bill taped to the back of your driver's license.
  29. If you want 50 people to show up for your party, you invite 150.
  30. You call an 80 years old waiter "joven".
  31. You call a 20 years old waiter "viejo".
  32. You call everyone else, "hermano", "mano" or "manito".
  33. But you call your real brother "pendejo".
  34. You never refer to a friend's mother as simply "su madre", but always qualify by saying, "su señora madre", or "su querida madre", to avoid a misunderstanding which could get you a "madrazo".
  35. You assume women fall into three categories: virgins, whores or your mother.
  36. You assume your daughters are virgins because they get home before you do at night.
  37. You profess: "como México no hay dos", but secretly wish Mexico City was more like San Antonio.
  38. You think the next "sexenio" ant the next "President" always will be better.
MESSAGE FROM CORPORATE (Any Corporate)
TO: ALL MEXICAN STAFF
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
RE: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE
DATE: FEBRUARY 28, 2002

Several corporate officers have brought to our attention that Mexican staff commonly uses inappropriate language. Such behavior, in addition to violating Company Policy # 23.2, is regarded as highly unprofessional and offensive. Therefore, from this date forward, everyone concerned should immediately adhere to the following rules:

  1. Words like 'carajo', 'chingada' and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion might be.
  2. You will not say 'pendejo' or 'la cagas', when somebody is being reprimanded, or 'qué pendejada' or 'qué mamadas son estas' when a major mistake or conflict has risen. All forms derived of the verbs, 'pendejear', 'mamar' or 'cagar' are unsuitable in our environment, for they lead to further confusion and potential disagreement.
  3. No Manager, Director, or least Vice-President under any circumstances will be referred to as 'hijo de su chingada madre', 'hijo de puta', 'cabrón' or 'ojete'.
  4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as 'falta de huevos', 'pinche puto', 'joto' or 'maricón', nor will persons with lack of initiative be referred as 'culero' or 'pendejo'.
  5. Unusual creative or original ideas should not be referred to as 'pinches jaladas'.
  6. Do not say 'cómo chinga' or 'jode' if a person is persistent, or 'está jodido' if a colleague is going through a difficult situation, or his or her department's position is untenable or ill-conceived. Furthermore, you must not say 'qué chinga' when matters turn complicated.
  7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say 'vete a la chingada' or 'vete al carajo', do not ever substitute 'May I help you' with '¿qué chingados quieres?'. When things get-tough and unacceptable, a statement such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used rather than: 'esto está de la chingada'.
  8. Performance Management sessions with staff should never be referred to as 'esto ya mamó'.
  9. If you make a mistake just say so, and not say 'ya la cagué' or 'ya me llevó la chingada' when your Direct Reports get to know about your mistakes.
  10. Under no circumstance should you call our staff members who are approaching retirement as 'rucos ojetes'.
  11. When in a hurry never use expressions such as 'ándale, cabrón' or 'órale, pinches putos'.
  12. The statement 'te la pelas' should not be used to discourage someone.
  13. 'Nos la pelaron los pinches gringos' should not be used to convey the idea of victory in a negotiation.
  14. Body language like the one used by Mexican Senator Roque Villanueva is prohibited (for better understanding of this issue an image is attached below).
  15. When a problem is not your responsibility, you must not say 'no es mi pedo', for there is not an accurate translation of the statement in our language.
Thanks and have a nice day.
The Roquesign / J.A.López / La Jornada
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