He said - She said

A couple is lying in bed.
He said - I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
She said - I'll miss you.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa, drink beer, and belch.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said - What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
She said - A rumor.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their top five reasons for drawing this conclusion were:
  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as males. Their top five reasons were:
  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, had you waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

  1. Yes = No
  2. No = Yes
  3. Maybe = No
  4. I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
  5. We need = I want.
  6. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  7. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
  8. We need to talk = I need to complain.
  9. Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
  10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  11. You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  12. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  13. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
  14. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
  15. I want new curtains = and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper...
  16. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  17. I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
  18. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
  19. How much do you love me? = I did something you're not going to like.
  20. I'll be ready in a minute = Sit down and find a good game on TV.
  21. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
  22. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
  23. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
  24. Was that the baby? = Get out of bed and walk him until he's asleep.
  25. I'm not yelling! = I am yelling because I think this is important.
  26. The answer to "What's wrong?": The same old thing = Nothing.
  27. Nothing = Everything.
  28. Everything = My PMS is acting up.
  29. I'm not THAT bad = This is closer to home than I want to admit.
  1. I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.
  2. I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.
  3. I'm tired. = I'm tired.
  4. I want = I want.
  5. You need = I want.
  6. We need = I want.
  7. I'm sorry. = Will you quit bitching now?
  8. Do you want to see a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  9. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  10. Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  11. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  12. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
  13. You look tense, let me give you a massage= I want to have sex with you.
  14. What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
  15. What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
  16. What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
  17. I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
  18. I love you. = Let's have sex now.
  19. I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
  20. Yes, I like your hair cut. = I liked it better before.
  21. Yes, I like your hair cut. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
  22. Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
  23. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
  24. (While Shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
  25. The part I read was full of lies = Who cares what anybody means as long as you're having sex?

Lost in Translation

What he really hears when your lips are moving.

You say: "Ugh, my boss is horrible. I had the worst day."
You mean: "I really need to vent about my day."
He hears: "Tell me how to fix my relationship with my boss."

You say: "Hey, can we talk?"
You mean: "I have something important to tell you."
He hears: "You screwed up, buddy."

You say: "Oh, those shoes don't go with that belt. Why don't you wear the brown ones?"
You mean: "I just want to help you look good."
He hears: "Aw, the widdle baby can't dwess himself!"

You say: "Let's straighten up in here."
You mean: "Let's straighten up in here."
He hears: "I resent that you're a pig."

You say: "I'm so sorry you had such a rough day. You must feel terrible."
You mean: "I want you to know I empathize with you."
He hears: "I feel sorry for you, you sad sack of a man."

You say: "Do you think that woman's hot?"
You mean: "Tell me that I'm hot."

Men's ability to process language and understand what's being said to them begins to diminish starting in their 30s. Women retain this ability until menopause.

Source: Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget by Marianne J. Legato, M.D.

"If I call a friend and say, 'I'm having a terrible day,' she'll drop everything and ask, 'Are you okay?' A woman hears complaints as an invitation to move closer. But a man hears complaints as an indication that he's failed. He measures his very worth by his ability to provide and protect, so in his mind, if he were doing his job, she wouldn't be unhappy."
"Does this mean a woman can never complain to a man? Of course not! Men really want to please women. All you have to say is, 'Would you help me with...' or 'I would love it if....' Go beyond the complaint or criticism and get at the desire. High-maintenance women don't scare men. Men actually like it because it gives them a clear set of rules for how to improve, and they can tell when they're succeeding."

Pat Love, coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

"In general, men focus on hierarchy and women on connection. I always find it fascinating to go back to studies of how kids talk: Boys use talk to negotiate their status within a group, while girls use talk to negotiate closeness. This difference can cause misunderstandings with apologies, for example. When a man makes some small transgression, his wife might feel that if he'd just say, 'I'm sorry,' it would be over. But he won't, and then you end up arguing about why he won't apologize. For many women, an apology means, 'I care that I let you down; I care about you.' If he doesn't apologize, it's like he doesn't care. But for men, asking for an apology is a demand that he publicly humiliate himself. He thinks apologizing is a sign of weakness, and that you'll use it against him, because that's what another man would do. So when you say, 'Why won't you apologize?' he hears, 'I caught you in an error and I'm going to rub your nose in it.'"

Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

"There's a difference between how men and women process stress. In a woman, stress produces a reaction in the emotional center of the brain. Talking stimulates the production of serotonin to relax the brain, so she'll instinctively talk in order to feel better."
"For a man, stress triggers a reaction in the action center of the brain. So when you talk to him about a problem, he's so intent on taking action to fix it that there's no way he can actually hear your point of view. But if you tell him that the solution is just to listen, he can relax. He doesn't have to hunt for a solution, so he can listen, and maybe even empathize."

John Gray, Ph.D., REDBOOK Love Network expert and author of the upcoming Why Mars and Venus Collide

"In brain-imaging studies, women have more blood flow to the parts of their brains that produce and interpret language, and there are more interconnections between the emotional center and the verbal center. Men have less well-defined connections between the verbal and emotional parts of their brains. Early-childhood studies show that girls have a greater capacity for verbal communication than boys - they're more skilled at using words as a way of sharing their experience."
"The big problem between husbands and wives is that they don't realize how the other functions. A woman expects that since she is able to freely talk about her emotions, her husband is equally able to do so. Meanwhile, a man tends to view his wife's efforts to communicate as simply sharing information, not as sharing an emotional experience. So if she says, 'I'm upset that our son hasn't called to tell us he got to his friend's house,' he might say, 'I'm sure he's all right,' focusing on the 'Is he safe?' question. What she's really saying is, 'I'm anxious, I'm scared.' But he's not focusing on her emotional experience."

Scott Haltzman, M.D., REDBOOK Love Network expert and author of the upcoming Secrets of Happily Married Women

Bryan Stipe
(Redbook Magazine).

That's how the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started...

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14...95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started...

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

(Recevied by e-mail april 2/2009).

Back to my home page Back to my home page
El Tesoro de la Jumentud > La Página de las lecciones recrativas > He said - She said